


i can still remember how (the music used to make me smile)

by iamnotbrianmay



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Alpha Freddie Mercury, Alpha John Deacon, Alpha Roger Taylor (Queen), Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha/Omega, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Omega Brian May, Press and Tabloids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:27:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24200572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamnotbrianmay/pseuds/iamnotbrianmay
Summary: 'Top 10 Tips to Make your Alpha Lover Want to Mate Immediately.'The Cosmopolitan article was staring at him mockingly as he scanned the magazine and paid for it in the self-checkout line. It taunted him, bringing up the thousands of times that he had scoffed at the people around him for passing around the odd tip and trick to make themselves desirable for their partners. It mocked him for telling his mother at some point that he didn't need the talk about how to speak, how to act, or even how to present himself to his mate because he was different from the rest of the Omegas. But now, nine and a half years into his relationship with John Deacon, he was starting to regret ever doing that.Brian reads a Magazine article and it goes downhill from there.
Relationships: Freddie Mercury/Jim Hutton (Mentioned), John Deacon/Brian May
Comments: 18
Kudos: 100





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This has been sitting in my WIPs folder for such a long time and this morning decided to fix it up, make it look good and presentable, and how here it is for all of you. I hope you enjoy!

_ 'Top 10 Tips to Make your Alpha Lover Want to Mate Immediately. _ '

The Cosmopolitan article was staring at him mockingly as he scanned the magazine and paid for it in the self-checkout line. It taunted him, bringing up the thousands of times that he had scoffed at the people around him for passing around the odd tip and trick to make themselves desirable for their partners. It mocked him for telling his mother at some point that he didn't need the talk about how to speak, how to act, or even how to _ present  _ himself to his mate because he was different from the rest of the Omegas. But now, nine and a half years into his relationship with John Deacon, he was starting to regret ever doing that. 

He stuffed the magazine into the plastic bag he was carrying along with the few things he had actually come to buy and left the supermarket vowing never to return again. The shame of walking out with a Cosmopolitan magazine was enough to set his cheeks aflame, and he was sure he didn't want to relive the experience. He scurried back to his car as fast as he could and locked the doors before actually letting himself think of what he was going to do. How he was going to hide the magazine from John was a mystery, and how he was going to justify himself once the younger man inevitably found out what he was reading was something like that. He couldn't bring himself to think about just yet. For the moment, he just focused on berating himself for buying that worthless waste of paper. 

He eyed the bag once again, trying to catch a glimpse of the magazine. Once he managed to see the brightly coloured font of the title, a full-body shudder come all over him. He couldn't read it at home, that was for sure. Not when he risked one of his bandmates walking in on him while he shamefully read the article. Neither could he go anywhere else where people would not see him, he had learned the hard way that paparazzi were everywhere all the time. It took a ridiculous amount of time for him to reach to the simple conclusion that maybe what he needed to do was read the magazine right there and then, hidden away in the middle of the parking lot. 

(No, he was  _ not _ itching to read the damned thing. Or that's what he told himself.)

Brian took a deep breath before reaching into the bag, the material of the cover sticking to his clammy fingertips, making it that much harder for him to get the thing out. Once he had it in his lap, the ridiculousness of the situation seemed to exacerbate to the point where he felt like slamming his face on the steering wheel and throwing the magazine away. Brian didn't need a stupid article to tell him how to deal with his relationship. Well, that's what he thought, right up the moment were Freddie had claimed Jim after only a year and a half of knowing each other, and the subsequent media frenzy about precisely that. He didn't miss the dozens of mentions of his own relationship with John, and the wild theories about why he was still unmated after a decade of being John's boyfriend. 

There  _ had _ to be something wrong with him, according to the tabloids, things that were probably related to the fact that he was not a  _ proper  _ Omega. He was too opinionated, too out in the open, too independent, too  _ wild.  _ It was ridiculous to think about John not mating him because of that specific reason. Still, he was one of the Omegas, maybe the only Omega, in the music industry, who had never bothered to retain some semblance of convention. 

He had snorted enough coke in the last fifteen years to put the average rockstar to shame. Has had his run-ins with one too many scandals, ranging from being caught sucking John off in a dirty alley, to that one infamous incident in which the media had misinterpreted him going out for some drinks with Roger as cheating. There was also the small fact that being in a band with John meant that he usually picked apart everything the Alpha proposed and even got to downright despising the one album his Alpha had dutifully worked on. 

He grimaced, thinking about it nowadays. Especially with everything that seemed to be happening around him, maybe if he had been less harsh, less wild, less—  _ Brian _ . 

He opened the magazine to the page where he would find what he was looking for. The layout looked exactly like he had imagined it would look like. Pastel colours and minimalistic designs covered the better half of the page, and right in the middle, below the large title, was the list, and explanations, written in obnoxious, nearly unreadable, font. 

1:  _ Remember always to wear their favourite colour. _

He nearly chucked the magazine out of the window for the second time in ten minutes. He couldn't believe he genuinely thought that it would help at all. He was just about to dismiss it as the worst spent four pounds of his life when his eye caught the last piece of advice. 

10:  _ Do what they ask you to do, without question. _

He chewed down on his lower lip as he read over the line twice more, then again to make sure he had read it correctly.  _ Do what they ask you to do, without question,  _ seemed like the most radical piece of advice anyone had ever given him; however, it didn't seem like  _ bad  _ advice. Not when doing precisely the opposite had gotten him in the exact position he found himself in. 

After all, Jim wasn't the easiest Omega to deal with, but he did know how to vow to Freddie's whims and ideas every once in a while, even if he hated them. That is, after all, how he had ended up attending their Munich show a few months before when he knew he had work the following day. Brian resigned himself to rereading the magazine, giving it a second chance before deciding if everything they had to say was useless. 

He ended up absorbing the words printed on the page like he would have done with one of his astronomy books. They seared themselves into the back of his eyelids and were instantly stored themselves right beside all of his music compositions and his favourite guitar chords. And as he drove himself back to their house, their lovely mansion which he had completely ignored in terms of personally taking care of ever since they have moved in, Brian wondered if he had any piece of brown clothing he could start wearing more often. 

It started out with little things that John couldn't really say that bothered him. They often tried to change up their schedule, or try new things for the sake of their own mental health. So at first, when Brian started to spend more time in the kitchen, even going as far as waking up early to help out when their cooks were doing breakfast, it didn't bother John. If he was honest, he chalked it up to Brian's Heat being just around the corner. 

The one thing he did mind was waking up every morning to find an empty bed, even if the smell from the kitchen served to keep his annoyance at bay. He missed having his boyfriend plastered to his back when they woke up, peppering kisses all over Brian's face and making sure that he wasn't grumpy when the time came to leave their warm and comfortable bed. Still, he did appreciate the smell of freshly cooked french toast and the fact that he was often brought breakfast in bed. 

That morning, or more like mid-day, was much like the past ones before it. John woke up to the sound of people talking downstairs in the kitchen and with an empty bed. He rolled over, nuzzling Brian's pillow and dozing off for a few minutes more until he heard someone walk down the hallway. Brian pushed open the door to their room with his hip and entered while holding a tray full of what seemed to be baked goods and fruit. John felt something warm bloom inside his chest, and he gave Brian a lazy smile once he was able to meet his eyes. 

"Morning, John." 

"Morning," he flipped over, hoisting himself up on his elbows to fully admire Brian, "What's for breakfast?" 

The Omega looked like a dream. Wild curls framing Brian's face as he padded into the room while wearing the Penguin themed pyjamas that John had gifted him a while back. He gave John a brilliant smile before setting the tray down on the foot of the bed, "Almond croissants, chopped up berries, and hot chocolate. Is that okay?" 

John made grabby hands towards Brian, and the older man stepped forward and into John's embrace. The bassist pressed himself to Brian's tummy, enjoying the way that the older man tangled his fingers into his hair, "It's perfect. You are perfect." 

"Well, don't praise me just yet, we don't know if it's going to be any good." He moved over to grab the tray and placed it on John's lap, "Tell me your honest opinion." 

He wasn't weary of Brian's cooking, in fact, he was almost sure that out of the four of them Brian had been the one who had kept them properly fed back when they had been starving students, but he was pleasantly surprised at how good the damned thing was. The moan he made was nearly obscene when the almond butter melted in his tongue, and Brian practically preened at the reaction. The Omega had kneeled beside John's side of the bed and was watching him attentively for any indication that he had screwed up with anything, but John just found himself smitten. It felt like he was back in their old flat, taste tasting any new recipe the guitarist had whipped out for Brian's peace of mind even if he knew they were all going to be fantastic. 

The second weird thing that happened that week came right after John had tasted the chocolate and had confirmed that it was fantastic. Brian, instead of tucking himself into bed right beside John as he had often done, had leaned back and sat on his heels as if awaiting for an instruction. John didn't want to say that he freaked out over this fact, but some alarm bells did ring inside his mind. Brian's hormones must be running wild if he had decided to act  _ that _ submissive. 

John raised an eyebrow, "Up you go. I miss my morning cuddles." 

His theory was confirmed once Brian's small lapse of weirdness passed and he was back to being his usual snarky self. Still, John couldn't help but feel like he had missed something. 

His doubts were only worsened when they packed their bags and left for the studio only a couple of hours later. Apart from Brian being abnormally quiet in the car ride to work, once he got to the studio, the strange behaviour seemed to increase by a tenfold. He greeted Freddie and Roger in a cold and detached way which had John feeling like he had stepped into a different dimension, then went on to tune his guitar without answering them in anything but monosyllabic responses. The other three shared questioning looks over his head, and John felt like an idiot for not realising that something was unequivocally wrong with Brian. 

However, the breaking point came later when the clock struck midnight and Freddie kept pushing for changes in Brian's latest song. The one he had been so proud of only a few days prior and Brian didn't as much as blink. 

Something cold ran down John's spine at his lack of reaction, and he could clearly see that Freddie, more than making reasonable changes, was just trying to press Brian's buttons. 

And the guitarist remained unresponsive. 

In the end, it ended in John calling the session off claiming that he was exhausted, and Brian pipping in support of them stopping the recording, at least until the next day. The bassist had known that there was something which had changed about Brian in the past few weeks. However, he didn't think it would come to this. This quiet and withdrawn version of the usually mouthy Omega. It was frankly quite worrying, and John couldn't wait to get home and confront Brian about it. 

Once they were out of the studio, out of the usually chaotic workplace and in the safety of their car, John could see Brian deflate. Almost as if he had been holding his breath for the better part of the day and he could finally breathe. 

"Love?" 

Brian shook his head, "Let's go home, please." 

John reached over to tuck a strand of loose hair behind Brian's ear, touch that made the Omega lean in to nuzzle John's hand, "Are you okay?" 

There was a pause, almost as if Brian was contemplating saying something to John before he shook his head, "Let's talk tomorrow. I'm exhausted." 

Except the next day came, and Brian avoids him like the plague. He is only ever with John when there are other people around, making sure that their conversation was pushed back to when there was no one to hear them. Then when they were back home, Brian made sure that John's mind was as far away as possible from the conversation. It is only after they finish fucking that he remembers what they have to talk about, but Brian is already dead to the world, snoring softly while he is curled on John's chest. 

It goes on like that for a while, there always seems to be some reason why they can't really speak, and when they do manage, Brian has the same excuse. Either, he was too tired, or the person making the corrections had been right about something. It felt almost surreal to watch the shift in attitude. However, there was nothing more terrifying than realising Brian was getting used to it. 

The more time they spent in the studio, the less that Brian seemed drained by the end of the sessions. It went from drooping eyelids the first couple of days that he started to hold himself back, to being a little bit more chatty on the way back home, to actually asking John to stay in the studio even after the Alpha had said that he had wanted to go home. Granted, it was not like before where he would loudly complain about someone wanting to cut the session short, he would take them aside and  _ ask  _ them if they could stay for a while more. 

Scratch that, there actually seemed to be something more terrifying than Brian getting used to the change: those fleeting moments in which John seemed to be getting used to it too. 


	2. Chapter 2

It all came to blows the day after the album got released. The release party for A Kind of Magic is...  _ something.  _ There is nothing conventional or tame about the party, there hardly has been a Queen release party with anything less than the weirdest people in the face of the planet ever since the infamous Jazz release party. And the release party for A Kind of Magic is expected to be much the same. 

Except for Brian, it isn't. For the guitarist, it is nothing but the painful, and shameful, reminders of the parties before it and his less than exemplary behaviour in them. It is the first time in his career in which he watches the party happening around him rather than taking part in all of the shenanigans, and he can only come to the conclusion that he must have looked like an idiot, at the best of times, while doing everything his bandmates were doing. 

From his vantage point in the corner of the room, he can see Freddie playing some kind of party game which involves both coke and alcohol. He spots Roger drinking while flirting with some of the Omegas around the bar. He keeps a trained eye on John, dancing his heart away while surrounded by dozens of people he is sure none of them know. He has never been a particularly jealous person. However, he can't find it in himself to squash the knot of feelings that starts to form in his belly. Much less when he sees the ridiculous amount of people that John could be with but isn't because of him. 

He feels someone slot themselves beside him, and the Omega turns to look at the person who gathered enough courage to stand beside the guitarist of Queen. Most Alphas stay away from him to avoid John's wrath and the few assholes that sometimes plague their parties know better than to rile him up. The person beside him is an Alpha, tall and handsome, with blue eyes and dark windswept hair. Precisely the type of person Brian would go for if he hadn't been in a relationship. He doesn't look like anyone he should know, and he mentally congratulates the other man for having the balls to talk to a rockstar. He quickly shuts down that train of thought, hubris is not the kind of thing an unmated Omega should be feeling. 

The man gives Brian a pleasant smile, and he returns it, "Are you having fun?" 

He is not, he would much rather be with Freddie playing his fucked up version of Rage Cage, but that's not the appropriate response, "Somewhat. I honestly just hope me and John head home early today." 

The other Alpha raises an eyebrow, "Early is a relative time for you two, isn't it?" 

Brian shrugged, "Well, I actually mean early this time. I was thinking of leaving right after midnight." 

He doesn't need to check the time to know that his self-imposed bedtime was coming close. The other man looked at the watch tied to his wrist and scoffed, "Just my luck, the one time I actually come to one of these parties you decide to leave early. I was hoping I could at least get a dance with you." 

"I'm taken," Brian says, "and I don't even know your name." 

"I didn't think you'd be sober enough to care." 

Brian turns back to the crowd, eye zeroing on John as fast as possible, trying to catch the younger man's eye so that he can save him from the awkward situation without needing to cause a scene. However, John is laughing and singing at the top of his lungs while hugging one of his new friends close. He looks happier than he has seen him in the past few months, especially after he and Brian had had The Talk about his drinking and drug habits. He looks... far too happy now that Brian isn't a thing he has to look after. 

Brian sighs, "Look, mate, I'm not interested, okay? I have a boyfriend which I have to take care of today, so if your only plan for the evening was to get something from me, I suggest you leave." 

There is a long second of silence, and something cold runs down Brian's spine. Several scenarios cross his mind, but never that the other man would throw his entire cup of whatever alcoholic beverage he had been drinking in Brian's face, "Cocktease." 

Brian is left completely dumbfounded, leaning against a wall after the other man leaves. He mixes into the crowd of dancing men and woman who grind on each other regardless of whether they know each other or not and disappears from Brian's sight in a few seconds. There are little melting ice cubes which stick to his neck, and a large brown stain down the front of his white shirt leaving him to believe that he had probably been drinking rum and coke, which will leave Brian feeling sticky until he takes a shower. 

He sighs and lets his head thump against the wall, he doesn't want to think about what excuse he is going to give John about the large stain in his shirt, or his gloomy mood, not when he should at least be a little bit tipsy to blame it on clumsiness. Instead, he finds himself drinking a virgin mango cocktail and wishing that he had learned how to have fun without stuffing his system with alcohol and drugs. He stays that way for a few seconds and would have remained like that until the party was over if Freddie hadn't stormed over to interrupt his moping. He feels the singer's hand wrap around his bicep and snaps him out of his thoughts.

"Brian, what the fuck?" His pupils are blown, and his balance is not the best, but Freddie is fuming. "Since when do you let asshats do things like that to you?" 

Brian tries to hide his embarrassment from the Alpha, but the singer had been friends with him for enough time to recognise Brian's every expression. He shakes him again, a little too aggressive, but it makes Brian react, "It's Nothing, Fred. I'm just not in a confrontative mood." 

"A confrontative mood?" Freddie struggles for words for a few seconds before he shakes his head, "I'm calling John." 

Brian tries to hold back Freddie for a while, causing a scene right now is not what he needs, even if he does want to go home as soon as possible. He doesn't think that John will take the news of someone dumping a cup of rum and coke on top of Brian kindly, but on the other hand, Brian is terrified that John won't care. 

It's stupid, he knows that through their sixteen years of friendship John has ever been anything short of supportive of him decking anyone who thinks he is less, but he is not exactly in the best state of mind as of lately, Brian can't, for the life of him, be reasonable. He can only imagine that John will be happy, at least somewhat reassured, that Brian still holds some semblance of respect for the Alphas around him. Some wretched part of his brain, the one that has the Cosmopolitan article engrained into its consciousness, reminds Brian that maybe that's why John had been reluctant to mate him, and he stops struggling to get out of Freddie's grip. That makes the older Alpha now moves with even more urgency trying to locate John between the hoards of dancing bodies. He is too distracted with the task at hand to realise that any other day Brian would try to bite his hand off for dragging him around. 

They run into Roger before they find John. The blonde sees the expression of panic in Freddie's face and the look of silent compliance in the Omega's face, and Roger is right beside them in a second, alarms blearing at the odd situation. The blonde Alpha brings Freddie to a halt by placing a hand on his chest, and the other man all but growls at him. It leads Roger to believe that there is something seriously wrong with their guitarist. The singer calms down once he realises that it's Roger, but that doesn't settle the uneasiness at the pit of the blonde's stomach, "Is something wrong? Is Brian Crossfaded?"

Freddie shakes his head, "No, he is just acting off, and I'm going to get John." 

Roger pries Freddie's hands away from Brian, "Go get John, I'll take care of Brian."

The Omega sends him a thankful look, something that only serves to make Roger's confusion even stronger. He turns to Brian once Freddie leaves, and notes how small the older man is trying to make himself seem. Roger raises his eyebrows, "How much did you drink?" 

Brian seems insulted for a second before a deeper blush takes over his face, "I'm not that much of a drunk." 

Roger wants to make a joke about how Brian is, in fact, that much of a drunk, especially in parties like these where he can let go of the stress of making an album. But Roger has known Brian since forever, and something deep inside him tells the Alpha that that kind of joke will not be well received. He shakes his head, "Just tell me. Or give me an estimate if you don't remember." 

Brian's blush deepens, "Nothing. I'm trying to stop drinking so much." 

That gives him even less of an explanation to why Freddie was dragging him around and why the other man was letting him do that. It made several, if not hundreds of questions, rise up inside his mind that apart from the ones that had been plaguing him for the past few months about Brian's behaviour. There is suddenly something cold creeping up his spine, invading his thoughts and making him think that maybe, just maybe, he should have been paying more attention to his pack. He looks around the room and catches Freddie, still looking for John, and decides that he can't really talk about this in the middle of a dance floor. 

"Let's go outside, yeah?" 

The other man, once again, puts no resistance against the idea even though it's cold as hell outside and the Omega doesn't have a sweater, and Roger tries not to panic about it. They make their way into the small backyard of the venue which is filled with couples practically eating each other's faces off, drunk people heaving their guts out into the bushes, and small groups of people having a smoke (and a break) away from the crowds. They go to stand in a, blessedly empty, corner of the backyard and Roger thanks the heavens for the clean air. (He also thanks the heavens for his quick thinking, because he can see tension seep out from Brian's shoulders, as soon as they are away from the crowd). 

They stand in silence for a few seconds, before Brian lets his head thump against the cement wall. His eyes close tightly, and Roger has the feeling that he is trying to stop himself from crying. Every single instinct is screaming at him to get John, or wrap Brian up in a tight hug, or even call one of their drivers and tell them to take the guitarist home, but years of living with the man tell him that he should let Brian be for the moment. The last thing the Omega needs is someone fussing over him. 

The guitarist lets out a shaky breath and then looks back down at the Alpha, his eyes are brimmed with tears, but he has made a valiant effort to calm down. It is only once they are looking at each other intently that Roger dares to speak, "What's wrong?" 

The Omega scoffed, wiping his clammy hands on his jeans before answering, "Nothing is wrong. Freddie just saw me  _ not  _ get into a fight and instantly decided that it was the end of the world." 

Roger was still sceptical, primarily because Brian had to stop himself from crying just a few seconds before. It was true that Freddie could be quite dramatic when he wanted to be, but that was not something that Roger thought Freddie would freak out over. Not at the rate that he did anyway, "Can I know what the fight was about?" 

There were a few seconds in which Brian considered making up a lie, but he knew he was a crappy liar at best, and Roger was already looking at him like he was trying to decipher the secrets to the universe. He couldn't hide the truth from Roger, not really, the blonde would just call bullshit, "I turned down an Alpha." 

"Not uncommon. What happened after that?" 

Brian wrinkled his nose in annoyance, "He splashed his drink all over my shirt, and I didn't go after him." 

Roger's expression changed int the blink of an eye. It was almost comical the way that his eyes nearly bulged out of his face, and he leaned his head forward as if he hadn't quite understood was Brian was trying to say, "Come again?" 

Brian grumbled something under his breath that Roger couldn't quite catch, then repeated what he had said only seconds before. Roger ran a hand through his hair. If it had been any other time, Roger would have laughed at Brian for going soft (not before checking that he was alright). Hell, he wouldn't even be here in the first place. 

But all of the things that had happened in the past months were just too much to ignore. The constant lack of arguments and pressure from Brian at the studio, the fact that he had been following their orders almost blindly, that he had suddenly taken an interest in how to cook, sew, and all of the other things that were so not  _ Brian.  _ All of that __ had Roger and Freddie, and most importantly, John, crazy out of their minds with worry. They had even gone as far as having a talk about it, making sure that everything was alright between John and Brian, (it was, according to John, Brian was just much to submissive at the moment), making sure that they nagged Brian as regularly as possible, and even had gone an extra mile to make sure that Brian was actually taking his anti-depressant. But everything seemed to be going alright. There was nothing that had changed which could have made Brian act like he was doing at the moment, and this last incident just made him mad with worry. He sent his prayers so that Freddie found John quickly so that Brian's mate could come to him as fast as possible. 

"That's it," Roger snapped, "I'm done tip-toeing around it. What is going on with you, Brian?" 

That sentence seemed to snap Brian out of every single thought he had been having. A pang of guilt crossed over his face, fast enough for someone else to miss it, but Roger was the man's best friend. There was nothing that Brian could hide from him. Brian opened his mouth to say something, but before any word could leave it, John stepped into the backyard, looking distraught. As much as the guitarist didn't want to have any conversation with John about what was happening, he could only thank the Gods above for his salvation. Whatever excuse he was about to make up for Roger, he could perfect for John in the small amount of time that they had between the venue and when they got home. 

He stepped away from Roger and made a beeline for the Alpha, eager to bury himself in his arms and pretend this night hadn't happened. 

John opened his arms instantly, holding him as close as he could to his chest, then pressing a small kiss to the top of his head, "I was so worried, Freddie made it seem like something horrible had happened." 

"I'm okay," he whispered as he buried his face in John's neck, painfully aware of the height difference between them, "take me home?" 

John blinks twice before fully registering the words that Brian had said. He nods in a daze, and turns to look at Roger, "Tell Freddie we are heading home if you see him." 

The blonde looks as if he had just seen a ghost, and something tells him that it has to do with whatever happened with Brian that night. Roger nods. "Yes, of course." 

They turn to leave, John's hands never leaving Brian's waist, but right before they step back into the noisy ballroom, Roger screams after John, "Don't let him get away with not talking to you." 

The words send a chill down John's spine, especially because Brian chooses not to say anything back. It makes his grip on Brian's waist tighten, and his worry rise. Something inside him tells John that it has to do with how Brian has been acting this past few months. Still, he doesn't let that show on his face, there are too many people around them, and he doesn't want to embarrass Brian by confronting him in the middle of the dancefloor. So, for the time being, he just leads them out of the venue and into their car. 


	3. Chapter 3

Once they get home John thanks the heaves for the fact that Brian had sent all of the cooks and cleaners away for the weekend. There is nothing Brian can distract himself, or John, with to avoid talking, something that Brian has become adept at. They head straight to their room after John has a glass of water, hoping it saves him from the hangover tomorrow, and he makes sure to close the door to the room as if to tell Brian that there really is no way he can escape whatever is going to happen next. The older man looks  _ terrified,  _ and for a second John wonders if maybe he should let him be. But then he reminds himself of the fact that Brian has a knack for making sure that they avoid talking about the problem nowadays, and he can't exactly let him get away with it this time. Not when Freddie and Roger had looked  _ that _ worried. 

He turned back towards their bed only to find Brian shirtless while holding the Coke stained shirt in his hands and looking at it with disdain and resignation. He looked so damned miserable that John had the urge to wrap him up in a blanket and tell him that everything was going to be alright, but he first had to make sure that Brian was as sober as possible. As he stepped closer, he realised that Brian didn't  _ smell _ like he was drunk. Neither was he acting like he was. John had just assumed that the whole problem had something to do with Brian drinking more than he should have, or drinking something he shouldn't. It now made his worry grow to think that it might be something much worse than that. At that moment, he decided that maybe, just maybe, he needed to postpone the conversation. Whatever had happened tonight, was so much more important that the worries nagging him. He sat beside his boyfriend, grabbing his hands between and lacing their fingers together. 

Brian looked up and met John's eyes, he expected to see some sort of confusion or even annoyance like he had seen in Roger, but instead, he just saw worry. The younger man leaned forward to press their foreheads together, "You are okay, right? Nobody did anything to you?" 

There is a second in which Brian can practically see the way that John's mind goes back to the dozens of people he had been dancing with that night. Then John gulps, "I didn't do anything, did I?" 

And that tears all of the barriers that Brian had been putting up, down. It shakes something deep inside Brian that makes him realise that he had been so irrevocably stupid this last few months. It breaks him to see John so worried about having done something wrong even if he had been nothing but the most loving partner ever since they had started dating. Tears of pent up stress, annoyance, anger, and everything he had been trying to push down finally start to brim his eyes, and it is then that Brian breaks down. 

It makes the panic inside John multiply by a tenfold, but instead of pressing for answers, he wraps his arms around Brian and holds him close. He feels like when they were just college students, broke, young, dumb, and feeling like everything wrong that happened to them is the end of the world. Except that he is a 39-year-old man, crying into his boyfriend's chest because of something he had brought upon himself. It is in moments like this that he can understand why some people like to peg Omegas as emotional and immature. Mainly because that is what he had been for the past few months, and because he can't stop the tears that come into his eyes. 

It is only after a few minutes that he manages to reign his emotions under control. He pulls away from John and looks at him with red-rimmed eyes, "I think I screwed up." 

The article comes out of Brian's wallet the morning after, given that they had gone to bed after John had ordered Brian to take a shower as he got the bed ready for him. It is the first time that he wakes up with Brian tangled in his arms in almost six months, and he is more than grateful. However, he still makes the other man speak about what had been going on. He cannot just say something like he did the night before and expect John not to worry. 

Once Brian was awake, he curled up to John's chest, almost as if he was trying to hide away from the rest of the world. He grabbed onto John's shirt like a lifeline, making sure that the other man couldn't get away from him, and sniffled softly when he thought about what he had done. 

Shame curled deep in his stomach, making him almost nauseous. His brain tried to get him to come up with another lie for his Alpha, but then he remembered that John, soft and caring John, who loved him more than anything in the world, deserved an answer. Even more so when he had gone to sleep worried out of his mind about Brian and what he had done to have him curled up in a ball crying buckets. 

He wrinkled his nose, "Promise not to laugh at me?" 

Brian feels a large hard curl around his face, trying to cradle him in the weird position that he was sitting in, "I would never laugh at you. Not when it's hurting you." 

Of course he wouldn't, Brian knows this, but he had to get ready to say the words, trying to formulate them in a way that he won't sound as ridiculous, or even worse, won't scare John away. He stays quiet, biting his lip for a few seconds before finally giving in, "I've been trying to make you see I would be a perfect mate." 

Even though John promised he wouldn't laugh, the declaration is something he cannot quite comprehend, and it sends him into a fit of giggles, "What are you talking about?" 

"You promised you wouldn't laugh," The brittleness in Brian's voice shut him up almost immediately, and John looks down towards his boyfriend. 

"Brian, what are you talking about?" 

Brian buries his head further into John's chest, almost as if he wants to disappear, "I've been trying to show you that I'm mate material. I've stopped questioning you, I've started to clean up after myself, and make sure that I actually care about my home. I've been— I've stopped trying to pretend I'm more than the Alphas around me." 

The words feel like a punch to the face. It makes John dizzy with the realisation that Brian's strange mood had been self-inflicted, because of some ridiculous notion like wanting to be  _ the perfect mate.  _ As if he wasn't already. Brian keeps talking, and the words make John short of breath. 

"I know it's dumb. I've been trying to talk myself out of it, but I can't seem to stop thinking that if I was just a little bit better, a little bit more proper, less annoying, less  _ me _ , we could be mated by know. I know I'm not the perfect Omega and I've been trying to change that. I know it's dumb because I should have been like this since the start. Not nine years later, when it's already too late to prove myself as a worthy mate." 

This time when John asks what Brian is talking about, it is him that is crying, "What in the world made you think I'd want that? What made you think I want anything different than what you are right now?" 

_ What you were back then _ , a part of John's brain corrects him. Because he had been so absorbed by both the album and the fear that he had that he would push Brian away by pressuring him into talking, that he had not put a stop in his behaviour. He hadn't stopped him from thinking that this was the way things should be, and now Brian fully believed it. 

For the first time in the conversation, Brian looks up. He isn't crying, but there is something dangerous in his eyes, something like resignation. 

"Nine and a half years, John," he whispered, "we have been dating for longer than some bands last, and we are not mates. There has to be something wrong with me if you don't want to take me."

John grabs Brian's arms and hauls him up so that they are lying face to face. There is something akin to rage burning deep inside him, it's not directed towards Brian, but at whoever had told Brian that this was something he had to believe. He didn't think that any of his friends had done this or his parents for that matter. For as much as they tried to tame Brian at the beginning, they now understood why their son was such a blessing the way that he was. And Lillian, John's mother, was just as supportive, if not more, of the Omega being as free and independent as he could be. She actually found John's partner the best thing that had happened to her boy. 

So that left him one last option, "What stupid magazine did you read that off from?" 

Brian blushed and tried to look away. A gesture that confirmed John's theory. He cupped Brian's cheek, making him look back at where John was, and once he met his eyes, he could see that the older man was embarrassed by more than just being caught in the act. John felt something wedge itself deep into his heart, "I just want to know so that I can sue them for defamation of character." 

That comment made a huff of laughter come from Brian's mouth, "Do you remember when Freddie and Jim bonded? You remember how every single newspaper, tabloid, and magazine had it in its front page?" 

John nods and rubs circles on Brian's cheek as an encouragement. 

"Well, they talked about how wonderful of a pair they are, and how they thought that we— that I would have been one of the best mates one could think off. Until they realised that we had been together for a long time and that we hadn't bonded yet. There was this one article that went on and on about how I was not— that I had to be just a way for you to keep yourself entertained until you found your mate. Your real mate." 

He had never expected this. He had expected Brian to tell him that he had kissed someone by accident in a drunken stupor a few months before, or that he had forgotten to take his morning-after pill and was now pregnant. He hadn't expected to be told that Brian had read one of the stupid articles (which he had explicitly banned in their house after they had called Brian  _ outdated)  _ and had decided that he was not the most important thing in John's life. That just because he had never wanted to mate Brian, it meant that he was not his one and only love. 

John let something akin to a growl, and it made Brian's eyes widen. He saw as the Omega tensed up, and even tried to scoot back a little bit, "I'm sorry. I know it was stupid. I'm sorry." 

John's hands went down to rest on his hips, bringing Brian closer to him, closing whatever gap there was left, "I don't want to hear you say something like that ever again."

Fine tremors were running down Brian's body, and John wrapped his arms around his waist to try and calm his love. He hated to see him like this, hated to see Brian, not only afraid of what John might say but also doubting himself so much. 

"You are it for me, Brian. You are the one person I will love forever. I didn't think that we needed a bond just because what we have is more than enough for me to know that you are the person I want to grow old with, and have kids with, but if that's what you want, baby, I will give it to you without hesitation." 

Brian shook his head, "I don't want you to do it because I asked for it. I want to be your perfect mate." 

"Who says you aren't?" 

"I make you mad all the time. I can't keep my damned mouth shut. I don't know my place. I party as if I was an Alpha when I am the opposite. I am selfish and dull, and a smartass, and never do as I am told," Brian took a deep breath, almost as if he was preparing himself to say the next few words, "How am I anything less than the last person you would want to mate? In fact, I am very sure that those are all the reasons we haven't mated yet. 

Hell, John, we were so close to mating a few years back. Then  _ Hot Space  _ happened, and I pushed you away." 

John flinches because all of the things that Brian is saying sound like he was reading them off the script of John's worst nightmare. The one where he was married because his grandparents had been the ones who had chosen his mate, and he was tied down to a brainless, spineless, Omega who served as not much more than a pretty accessory or walking womb. It breaks him because if Brian, the Brian that had fought tooth and nail to get into university and cried over having to leave his dreams of earning a PhD, would hear this Brian speak he would bolt. 

John is left speechless for a minute or two, trying to get air back into his lungs and thoughts other than panicked screaming into his brain. Then he grabs Brian's face with both of his hands and presses their foreheads together. "I would rather die than have you any other way than the way you are, Brian Harold May. I love you and your dumb fucking face. I love it when you challenge me when you question me when you are demanding and make sure that the album is the best it can be. I love it when you call me out on my bullshit and make sure that I don't say or do anything stupid. 

I love you when we get shit faced and stumble into this bedroom like two giggling teenagers, then fall asleep on our clothes cause we are too stoned to take off our jeans. I love you even if you haven't made a single bed since we stopped being broke college students. I love you beyond whatever a stupid bond mark can signify to the rest of the world, and I would have bitten you long ago if I didn't think that this is more than enough." 

By the time he stops speaking, John is out of breath, and Brian looks as if he had just been run over by a truck. The guitarist can barely breathe, and when he tries to say something, it catches in the back of his throat and makes it impossible for something more than a few whimpers to escape his mouth. John presses a kiss of the tip of Brian's nose, just like he know the Omega likes it and leans back to whisper the last of the things he wants to say, "I'm sorry I only thought about what I wanted. I'm sorry I made you think you were anything less than perfect." 

Brian stares at him for a long moment, then he wiggles out of his grip. John lets him go, mainly because he knows that Brian gets overwhelmed too easily and sometimes needs his space to process feelings. But then the older man is rummaging amongst the dirty clothes, only to come out with his wallet. He sits back down on the bed and searches around the leather wallet before coming out with a folded up piece of paper that looks like it comes from a magazine. He hands it to John, and the Alpha unfolds it like it's something precious. That is until he sees what it says, then he has the urge to rip it up to shreds. 

_ 'Top 10 Tips to Make your Alpha Lover Want to Mate Immediately. _ '

He looks at Brian, who is pointedly not looking at him, he is staring at his fiddling hands as he waits for John to finish reading the article, which he does. It absolutely baffles him to think that somebody wrote the article, that it passed through all of the filters of a magazine, got sold in stores, and Brian, out of all people, had read it and acted on it. John let the paper fall to the ground beside their bed and grabbed his Omega's hands, "You do know that you don't have to do any of these things for me, right?" 

Brin shrugs, "I'm just scared of ever losing you. It seemed— it was, much easier to change how I act, make myself as desirable as possible than to wake up one day and realise that you were gone." 

He wants to hold Brian close and make him realise what a silly man he was being, but he didn't want to add onto Brian's state of mind. Instead, he opted for, first, reaching down to tear and crumple the article, then seat back down beside his boyfriend and hug him as close as possible, "It's not over. You know that, right?" 

He feels Brian nod, "I don't think it's going to go away for a long while, even if we do mate." 

"Do you still want to?" 

Brian mulls over the question for a few moments. It had seemed an n brainer a few months before, like the thing he had wanted the most in life. But now he is not sure he wants it. Not because he finally realised that maybe John just didn't want to mate with anyone, period, but because he had probably pushed the possibility even further away by acting the way he did. It was stupid and childish, and absolutely ridiculous that after such a long time in the public eye, he had allowed something like that to get to him. After a decade and a half of abuse, of lack of privacy, and everything else that they had brought upon him, it hurt that they had managed to damage the most important thing in Brian's life. He didn't realise he had said that out loud until John answered him. 

"It's just what they do," John whispered, "they prey on everything they can publish whatever rubbish they come up with to earn as much blood money as they can. It's not your fault we got caught in the crossfire." 

"It's my fault I let it get to me like it did." 

"Don't be stupid," John growled, "It was bound to happen to one of us at some point. It's just unfair that the press picks at you the most." 

"It had always been that way." 

"And everyone has a breaking point." 

Brian untangled himself from his grip to stare into John's eyes. A few seconds passed in which he didn't say anything, but when he spoke, something warm bloomed inside John's chest, "You'll help me get my footing back, right?" 

He pressed their foreheads together, relishing in the way that their noses bumped against each other every time they moved, and the small blissed-out expression in Brian's face at the Alpha's proximity, "I promise I will." 

**Author's Note:**

> I am a slut for Kudos, Comments, and feedback. 
> 
> Swing by [my tumblr (@iamnotbrianmay)](https://iamnotbrianmay.tumblr.com/)and say hi!


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